Remember the shock of becoming a new mom? You may have thought you were prepared, but nothing can truly prepare you. Suddenly you have a human being who is completely dependent on you to keep them alive. Your entire world narrowed down to the singular point of meeting their needs. And though you both adjusted to the role of caretaker and they became less dependent, it was still a full time job. When you were in the middle of it it was hard to believe there would come a day when your adult child no longer needs you.
Your young adult – the same one who as a child tried to follow you into the bathroom – now has their own life. Even when they were in the early stages of launching they still had moments of needing you. Whether to ask how to make a doctor’s appointment or what to do when a light starts flashing on their car dashboard But now, you look up and realize they are fully functioning adults who are truly managing independently. And you are left wondering: What now?
You Are Not Alone
If you’re feeling a bit lost at times, you’re not alone. The transition to an empty nest can feel unsettling. But often that transition is gradual in nature – teens go off to college but are financially dependent on you and still call your house their home. Unless you have an only child, you may have one at college and you have time to get used to a quieter house and start preparing for the day the “baby” leaves.
Yet, that moment will come when you realize you young adults no longer define home as whre you live. When your adult child no longer needs you to anchor their sense of self can be emotionally complex for mom’s. We both hope for and dread the day our young adults no longer seek our counsel regarding major life choices. But it can still be bittersweet the day you realize you weren’t even aware they had a decison to make.
Some women feel stuck and overwhelmed and a bit lost. After years of having their identity tied into being a mom – losing the hands on part of the title can leave a void. Some women feel a sense of embarrassment over just how sad they are. Society says “you have successfully launched a fully independent adult – great job!” but it may not feel so great. This can keep them from sharing their feelings and instead staying stuck in them.
Acknowledge the Grief and Give Yourself Grace
Let’s be real—when you adult child longer needs you can feel like a major loss. It doesn’t matter if your adult is thriving; it’s still a major shift in your identity. You spent years pouring yourself into your role as a mother, and now that role looks different. It’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to feel sad, disoriented, or even unappreciated.
Allow yourself to process these feelings instead of pushing them aside. Journaling, talking to a trusted friend, and therapy are all things to consider to help you unpack these emotions. The key here is to feel the loss but not let it define you.
Redefine Your Relationship with Your Adult Child
Just because your child doesn’t “need” you in the same way doesn’t mean they don’t need you at all. Your relationship will continue evolving, and that’s a great thing. The goal was never for you to remain the caretaker. It was to move to being a trusted advisor. And as they gain confidence in making their own decisions, you move to being a supportive presence. And eventually, when the time is right, to see your relationship to turn into a true, mutual friendship.
This transition isn’t always easy or straightforward. Some adult children pull away more than others. They need a complete break to have space to define themselves as independent adults. Some are eager to maintain closeness looking to you for guidance as they take each step into adulthood. Others crave independence, but still seek reassurance that they are on the right path.
Regardless of your young adult’s personality style, the road is rarely without bumps. Prepare yourself to be a sought after source of wisdom one minute, and seen as an out-of-touch obstacle to understanding in the next. Instead of taking this personally, remind yourself that this is a dance you’ve done before during each stage of their development.
The push-pull is a sign they know they can trust you to still be there when they push you away. Give them enough space to willingly come back. Eventually this will even out as they are secure in their adult identity and this is when your relationship can move into a friendship.
Shift Your Focus
Knowing that building a friendship is the goal, work on shifting your focus from what you’ve lost to what you can build. Find new ways to connect. If you have shared interests, suggest you engage in them together on occasion. Ask them what communication style works best for their life at the moment. While you may prefer to hear from them every few days, they may let you know occasional check-ins are more manageable for them. By honoring boundaries defined by both of you, you are more likely to find when you do connect that the engagement is deeper and more authentic.
When they do come to you, ask them directly what they would appreciate most. An opinion on what they are sharing? Simply listening to their point of view or dilemma? Examples of when you were in a similar situation. Just as with any budding friendship, listening and asking questions is the best way to get to know your child as an adult.
Reconnect with Yourself Outside of Motherhood
For years, your schedule revolved around your children. Even if you worked outside of the home, their needs, their activities, their milestones were central to how you allocated your time. During those early launching years, much like a toddler they ventured out, but often came back to check in. But here you are, with adults who are confident in making their own choices and don’t feel a need to circle back. Now that your time is truly, fully yours, you can ask yourself: What do I want?
This is an opportunity to truly think outside the box you were in as a parent. Have you always wanted to travel? What would it take for that to happen? If you realize you need more disposable income for this to be a reality, get creative on how to generate that.
Are you very social and realize you are missing all of the social engagement opportunities your children brought you? Where can you get more of that energy? Maybe give working in hospitality a spin. Remember, this phase of life can include doing things simply because you enjoy them, not because they fit around the needs of others.
Rediscovering yourself can feel overwhelming at first, but remember: you’re not starting from scratch. You’re simply reconnecting with the parts of yourself that may have been set aside for a while.
This doesn’t mean you have to overhaul your entire life overnight, but exploring new passions can help fill the space left by your evolving role as a mother. The key here is to find something that you enjoy, fills your time and gives you a reason to get up in the morning with a sense of purpose.
Strengthen Other Relationships
During the phase of raising kids, it’s easy to unintentionally let relationships not directly tied to your children take a backseat. Now is the perfect time to develop new relationships based on other interests in your life. Join a group that revolves around your desired hobbies. Be open to attending meet and greets and strike up conversations about your passions and desires.
It’s also time to reinvest in friendships that may have been left unnurtured. Reach out to old friends and be open to working around their schedule to reconnect. Suggest activities that you used to enjoy together and be open to trying new ones. If your friend has been running a non-profit, offer to volunteer or support her in some other way.
If you’re in a long-term relationship, this phase can also be an opportunity to reconnect on a deeper level. Without kids as the central focus, you and your partner can explore new activities together, travel, or even rekindle aspects of your relationship that may have been overshadowed by parenting duties.
Embrace the Freedom
There are some serious perks to this stage of life if you are open to embracing them. Fewer daily responsibilities. More time for yourself. The freedom to focus on what truly makes you happy.
Instead of mourning the past, try shifting your mindset to appreciate the possibilities ahead. You get to design this chapter of your life. Want to sleep in on weekends? Do it. Want to start a new hobby without worrying about someone’s schedule? Go for it. Want to take a spontaneous trip? Book it. Always wanted a dog but didn’t feel you had enough time to give them proper attention? Get one.
It may take work, but now is the time to focus on shifting your mindset to one of stepping into life’s next big adventure. It’s not about dwelling on the end of the last one.
Give Yourself Permission to Change
You are not the same person you were when your offspring were children. And that’s a good thing. This is a time of evolution, growth, and change.
Let go of any guilt you might feel about putting yourself first. Embrace new opportunities without fear of judgment. Did you avoid getting a visible tattoo because you people thought of you as a straightlaced mom? Now is the time to start planning on getting the one you’ve always wanted.
Because you are accountable only to yourself (and perhaps a partner) you have more freedom to try things and make mistakes. Allow yourself to change directions if something doesn’t feel right or is no longer meeting your needs.
Final Thoughts
Yes, this transition can be bittersweet. It’s natural to feel some sadness when your adult children no longer need you. But when your adult child no longer needs you it’s important to develop a new life purpose that creates a sense of happiness and fulfillment. This will create a relationship where they want you to be an important part of their lives.
This can be a season into one of empowerment and joy. You’ve spent years nurturing others. Now, it’s time to nurture yourself. And that is something truly worth embracing.