By the time we enter middle age, most women understand what it takes to have a true and lasting friendship. As we mature, a deeper awareness of who we trust, who we enjoy, and who we want to spend time with reveals itself. Recognizing and supporting friendships in midlife helps us adapt, grow, and let go of those no longer serving us.
Every Friendship is Unique
Every friendship is unique, shaped by various factors. How and when you’ve met someone often has a great impact on the purpose and longevity of the connection. Some friendships withstand the test of time, enduring life’s challenges and ever-changing events. These long-term connections require effort and intention to remain strong, yet they pay off in remarkable ways. These are the friends who will drop anything to support you in a crisis.
Friendships Evolve
Friendships evolve. Some people remain for a season, while others stay for the long haul. We’ve all experienced this at various phases of life. For some, it was their high school friend group. Though you may have thought you’d be close forever, by your mid-twenties you may realize that these relationships have changed.
The two who had the least in common in high school both married young, stayed in the area, and became besties. The one who moved far away may have chosen friends aligned with their new life. You may stay in touch, but only one high school friend remains close enough to include in your wedding. You have other, tighter relationships made at college, at work, and through new social groups.
The Shift Away From Closeness is Normal
The shift away from closeness to friends you made for a reason and a season is normal. As we downsize or our kids grow up, friendships with neighbors and team parents may fade overnight. You may find yourself surprised. You may not notice why a friendship fades until it’s gone. Proximity and shared activities often keep connections alive. Without the commonalities that fueled your connection and closeness may suffer. Add to this the tendency for multiple stressors to overlap during middle age, it’s not surprising some friendships fall away.
Feeling Sad at the Loss
Many women express sadness over this loss. As life changes, some friendships we once counted on become less solid. Divorce, remarriage, loss, relocation, and shifting priorities may all play a role in the ending of a close friendship. This is a natural evolution.
Yet, it is also true that some friendships withstand the test of time. They endure in spite of physical distance, different life paths, and differing opinions. To maintain valued friendships in midlife, follow these four ways to assess and nurture them.
Adapt to the Needs of Your Friends During Life’s Big Changes
As we make developmental shifts, we endure events that require adjustments in our relationships. The friend who you’ve always socialized with as couples is now going through a divorce? Reach out and find ways to connect that feel comfortable for her. Maybe she is fine coming over and hanging out with other couples. If she always claims to be busy on those nights, reach out on an evening when your husband won’t be home and ask her for a girls’ night. Make sure she knows you are looking to keep the connection and are open to finding ways to socialize that work for her. Let her know you support and value her. Adapt as needed for whatever changes alter the way you and a friend interacted in the past, and give friends grace as they learn to adjust to the changes in their lives.
Know When to Speak Up and When to Simply Support
Learn to step back and wait to see how your friends want to be supported during life transitions. Are they seeking your input? Or does it seem they simply want your love and support? Good friendships require good communication. Ask them what they need. Is your friend despondent over her husband’s job transfer to a new state and you feel he has not considered the impact on her life and her career? Wait and listen to what she needs. Pointing out the unfairness may feel like support to you, but may be making her feel worse. Ask what type of support she wants and keep the unsolicited advice and opinions to yourself. You will never always agree with the choices in someone else’s life, and you don’t have to. The foundation of lasting friendships rests on listening, validating their emotional response, and offering whatever support you are able to give that fits their needs. You will appreciate the same grace from your friends when you are going through a rough time.
It’s Okay if Friendships Pause When Life Pulls People Away
Life gets busy. Sometimes, you or your friends won’t have the bandwidth to connect as often as you’d like. That doesn’t mean the friendship is over—it just means it’s on pause. You can have close friends that you don’t connect with regularly. There’s an unspoken trust that the friendship is strong regardless of gaps in communication for enduring relationships. With long-term friendships, it’s understood that it’s not personal, and when things calm down, you will connect as though no time has passed. If you are unsure that a newer friend is aware that you want to continue the friendship but life has forced a pause, let them know that. A quick “Things have been crazy, but I miss talking to you and will reach out when things calm down” message can go far to keep a friendship on track.
Accept Your Friendships as They Change Over Time
Maturing, life experiences, and changing family dynamics transform us all. The people you became friends with years ago are not the same today—and neither are you. Some friendships endure life’s challenges and ever-changing events. This may mean that when your friend gets a promotion, you not only demonstrate understanding that she can no longer meet up for weekly coffee, but you also show grace that when she does have free time, she may want to prioritize connecting with her teens. You let her know you are flexible and that the friendship can withstand a temporary pause. And you feel confident that she will do the same when you are overwhelmed dealing with aging parents.
Letting Go
Other friendships may reach a point where parting ways is the best or inevitable choice. Maybe you are feeling a shift in a friendship and realize that you are the only one making an effort or that interactions have become emotionally draining. Give yourself permission to take a step back and assess if the friendship is one you want to try to nurture through the change.
Loyalty is important, but not at the expense of your own well-being. If a friendship that you once enjoyed is more often leaving you feeling frustrated rather than uplifted, understood, or supported, it may be time to move on. Likewise, if a friend does not extend grace when you are moving through your own rough patch. When a friendship has become consistently one-sided, even if you truly desire to maintain connection, it will likely lead to resentment or exhaustion. The same thing goes for friendships you hold onto due to a sense of obligation.
Sometimes, letting go of a friendship is the best way to honor the connection you once had. If you find yourself avoiding calls, carefully wording texts to set strong boundaries, or feeling a sense of relief when they cancel plans, give yourself permission to move on. It may bring you a sense of closure and peace, and down the line, you will be able to look at the former friendship with a sense of fondness for what it gave you at that time.
Despite these changes, lifelong friendships can remain strong with intentional effort. And when we need new friendships, we must be proactive. Making friends in midlife requires extending invitations, joining clubs, pursuing hobbies, volunteering, or participating in online communities. The key is to stay open to new connections while also valuing and nurturing the relationships that truly matter.
The Power of Intentional Friendships
The key to intentional friendships is to remain open to new connections while valuing and nurturing the relationships that truly matter. Whether maintaining a lifelong friendship, rekindling an old one or nurturing a new connection, meaningful friendships in midlife are an essential part of a fulfilling life. Some may change unexpectedly as common factors that supported the connection come to an end. Knowing this, remember that it’s never too late to reach out to an old friend, to make a new friend, or let go of a relationship that no longer fulfills your needs. The most important thing is to surround yourself with people who uplift, understand and support you, because in the end, that’s what true friendship is all about.