Parenting young adults can be both liberating and frustrating. Just when you think you’ve got this motherhood thing figured out, your kids grow into adults, and the dynamics change…again. Whether they’re still living at home, navigating college, or beginning their careers, parenting young adults presents a unique set of challenges. Yet with some strategy, patience, and a shift in mindset, things can progress with minimal clashing. Here are 7 parenting hacks for moms of young adults to maintain a healthy relationship as your kids become adults.
1. Establishing Mutual Respect
Establishing mutual respect is an essential foundation for a healthy relationship with your adult offspring. You are no longer in an adult-child relationship, and your young adult should be given that respect. Avoid making judgmental comments about their choices, allowing space for their autonomy.
Your young adult may see themselves as fully independent, even though, in reality, they may be relying on you in various ways. That means their version of respect might not always align with yours. Instead of assuming they should inherently understand your expectations, spell them out. If you have allowed them to stay on the family phone plan, discuss what this means.
At the same time, recognize that they, too, have boundaries and expectations. Just as you wouldn’t appreciate someone asking for personal information regarding your bills, they won’t appreciate feeling like they’re still being treated as a child. If this is your expectation because you contribute to their bills, establish this and let them know you understand if this means they want to establish their own accounts. Do not reprimand them even if you think it’s a poor choice. Respect should be mutual, and that’s what sets the foundation for a healthy relationship.
2. Be Clear on Expectations
Expectations will change depending on your personal circumstances. Does your young adult live at home with you? Sharing a home means having clear expectations—otherwise, frustration will build quickly. Consider these questions: Do you expect them to pitch in with groceries? Are they responsible for their own laundry? Are they allowed to have guests over? Should they communicate when they’ll be home late?
They may feel frustrated by some of your expectations, especially if they have lived independently previously. Yet, even though they’re adults, they are still sharing your home, and that means rules apply. Young adults don’t automatically know what you expect unless you make it explicit. Rather than assuming they’ll abide by unspoken house norms, take the time to discuss them openly. You might even write them down if necessary to avoid confusion.
On the other hand, be open to having a conversation if they are uncomfortable with some of your expectations. If they are asking for a say in how the household operates, find out why and how it impacts them. Understanding their needs as well helps create a balanced living situation where neither party feels overpowered or overlooked. If you can shift the rules to accommodate some of their expressed expectations, it will build mutual respect.
If they live independently, express your expectations without making assumptions. Don’t assume they plan on spending the holidays with you. Let them know your preference and have a conversation. If you expect them to prioritize being home because their elderly grandparents will be visiting, discuss this well in advance and be open to finding ways for them to meet this expectation in a way that works for them. For example, perhaps you offer to serve the Thanksgiving meal at 1 p.m. instead of the usual 5 p.m. if they plan on splitting time between two households.
3. Accept that Your Dream May Not Be Their Dream
We all want our kids to reach their full potential, but their definition of success may not match yours. Pushing them to move towards your dream, or disparaging them for not, will only serve to create distance. It’s natural as a parent to have a vision of what your child’s adult life might look like. For some, it’s something similar to theirs because they hope that their child will want the same things. For others, it may be the complete opposite, as they hope their child will break free and take chances they never had.
Regardless of the motivation, you need to learn to support their choices —or at the very least, remain neutral. But for the happiest, healthiest, and closest relationship, you want to be a safe place for them to share. And for them to know you are available for whatever guidance you can offer when they ask for it.
4. Support Without Enabling
There can be a fine line between helping and enabling. Remember, this is an adult, and the goal of parenting is to launch them into independence. What was helpful when they were fourteen and going through their first breakup is not the same type of support they need at twenty-four. When they encounter the inevitable first financial struggle or mistake, emotional setback, or unfair situation at work, work to support them without enabling them.
Meet them at whatever level of emotional support they request and resist jumping in to solve their problems. Instead, you want to help guide them to solutions and additional resources. By doing so, you will be encouraging them to deepen their resilience and problem-solving skills and giving them the message that while you support them, you also believe in their ability to figure things out on their own.
5. Don’t Make Assumptions
Your young adult moves out and suddenly, you rarely hear from them. Desperate for some type of connection, you reach out and ask to meet up for dinner “anytime that works for you, my treat.” When they finally respond days later they say thanks but they are really busy with work. You look on social media and there is a photo of them at a bar laughing. And one of them at dinner with a different group of friends. Your job here? Don’t make assumptions.
You don’t know who they were out with and why – and because they are adults, it’s really none of your business. Which is hard. Really hard. But if you are coming up with reasons and scenarios in your mind (“They probably don’t want to go to dinner because they are hanging out the bar every night) you will only be going down a bad path. One where you are making judgments without information.
By learning not to make assumptions you are honoring their right to autonomy and creating space for them to want to share more with you. When you do this, you are far more likely to find out weeks later that they were at the bar that serves food down the street from their office and after working late, decided to grab a bite with colleagues. You may even get a “I wish I could have met you for dinner, I don’t even like the food there and after working with my colleagues all day I needed a break but there was no polite way to get out of it.”
6. Build a Friendship
Parenting young adults isn’t just about parenting. It’s about creating an enjoyable friendship with a fellow adult. If more time has gone by than you’d prefer between connections, treat them the way you would any other friend. Don’t try to guilt them into spending time with you; let them know you miss them and offer up casual options to bond. Suggest something you both enjoy, like a shopping trip, attending a sporting event or concert, or meeting up for coffee.
7. Trust and Let Go
It can feel crazy to fully acknowledge, but they are adults. The best way to ensure they are adults that want to engage in a healthy relationship with you is to trust and let go. This can be scary. But you’ve done your job and now it is time for them to navigate their own path. Sure they will head the wrong direction at times, but so does every adult. Believe in their ability to find their way back – or to discover a new pathway they didn’t even know they wanted to explore. Offer support and guidance when requested and step back away once they are finding their way again.
Embrace the Journey
These 7 parenting hacks for moms of young adults can help you traverse this next phase of your relationship. Parenting young adults comes with its own set of joys and challenges, but when you offer mutual respect, clear boundaries, and support without enabling you can maintain a strong, healthy friendship with your offspring. Embrace this stage with patience and understanding—after all, you were once there and having a parent who respected your journey may have made a big positive difference.